The Hidden Dangers of Power Dynamics in Relationships

Types of Power Imbalances

There are various kinds of power imbalances in relationships. Typical scenarios include one partner asserting dominance due to a higher income, a prestigious job, or seniority resulting from a significant age difference. These dynamics may sound familiar within your circle of friends or even in your marriage.

Financial Power

Money often plays a central role in power imbalances. The partner who earns more may control how money is spent, sometimes even keeping the other in the dark about family finances. Many intelligent, accomplished women I’ve met have little to no knowledge about their family’s financial situation and, more importantly, no say in financial decisions. This lack of involvement can lead to a feeling of entrapment, where you’re unsure if the barriers are real or imagined, but they effectively keep you powerless.

Example: Sarah, a middle school teacher, admits she has no idea about her family’s financial status because her husband handles all the finances. She feels trapped and excluded, unable to make any decisions about their spending or savings.

Solution: We continue to work with Sarah individually so she can communicate her feelings and fears to her spouse without fear of repercussions or fights.

Professional Power

Another form of power imbalance arises when one partner has a high-powered job. While often linked to financial power, it can also be about time and emotional availability. A demanding job can become an excuse to prioritize work over the relationship, leading to phrases like, “I need you to do this now because I don’t have time,” or “I can’t talk right now; I have too many work emails.” This behavior creates a barrier behind which the partner hides, using work stress to manipulate the relationship.

Example: Steve, an ER medical director, often uses his busy schedule as an excuse to avoid family obligations and communication with his wife, creating a wall that prevents meaningful interaction. Steve’s wife, Anna, sought our help to find an amicable solution to convince Steve to rethink his priorities.

Solution: Steve and Anna are working through the issues and learning new skills and interpersonal communication techniques. This couple is a victim of a miscommunication problem that takes time to solve.

Age Differences

Significant age differences can introduce another layer of power dynamics. Often, the older partner (typically the husband) assumes a patriarchal role, making major decisions about finances, vacations, the structure of the marriage, and plans. This can lead to an unspoken agreement where the older spouse always has the final say. Conversely, in some relationships, the younger partner might wield power through emotional manipulation, including throwing tantrums or using their youth and emotional expressiveness to get their way.

Example: Emily, a 31-year-old married to a 54-year-old John, finds that her husband always decides where they vacation and how they spend money. On the flip side, Alex, 47, married to a 26-year-old Jess, often gives in to his young wife’s outbursts and emotional fits to keep the peace.

Solution: These cases are complex. Both partners must accept the age gap as a given that cannot be changed but also know that there is no room for emotional abuse on the grounds of age. However, mutual respect can be learned and should be demonstrated by both partners. It is a long process, but we are optimistic that these couples will withstand the test of time.

Addressing Power Imbalances

Recognizing these power dynamics in your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. Bringing the imbalance to your partner’s attention and working together to create a more equal partnership can lead to positive change. This is where couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial.

Example: Mandy was suffering from an imbalance in which her partner, George, the primary breadwinner, made all financial decisions. Mandy felt powerless, while George was convinced that he was doing Mandy a favor by taking care of the money and how it was spent so she didn’t have to worry about the finances. 

Solution: Through careful counseling, this couple learned to communicate better and share financial responsibilities, leading to a healthier, more balanced relationship.

When to Re-Evaluate

If your partner constantly invalidates your needs, makes you feel invisible, humiliates you, or promises change without any follow-through, you may be dealing with a “power person.” These individuals see interactions as win-lose scenarios and ensure they always come out on top. In such cases, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Example: Lisa’s husband continually belittles her contributions and dismisses her concerns despite repeated promises to give her more credit. During couples therapy sessions, Lisa and George realized that their relationship dynamic was unlikely to improve. She began considering her options while George sought more help with one-on-one counseling.

Solution: At some point, when partners don’t agree on critical issues, we may recommend re-evaluating the relationship. However, this is a very delicate issue that should be addressed by a mental health professional. Every family unit is a fragile construction supported by mutual trust and respect. If these elements are present, the couple might be on the right path forward.

What Can You Do?

Power dynamics are a natural part of relationships, but significant imbalances can be harmful. Recognizing these imbalances and addressing them through open communication and professional help can make a world of difference. Couples counseling offers a path toward a more balanced and fulfilling partnership.

If you find yourself facing persistent power struggles, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and equality.